Rainy days
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Whenever it rains, I think of you.
Especially in the months of
December..
January...
February...
and March
When the northeast winds blow in clouds that pour out their souls.
Monsoon rains bring back the memory of your touch.
My heart remembers how it felt like to be in love with you.
It hits me in waves with the cold air and morning dew;
It rains on me with the sudden afternoon showers;
hours, minutes, seconds, seconds, minutes, hours
The monsoon rains remain the same,
They came before, they will come again.
And in the evening as the sun sets, it settles into a fine drizzle that eventually subsides.
My cold hands remind me of how you kept them warm
on...
rainy days.
Scars
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Today I looked into yours eyes.
They were guarded, and I saw hurt.
They told me to go away;
No, I don't have anything more to say
Pray
Healing takes longer than just years.
It doesn't take away your fears
It doesn't wipe away old tears
Even when there is nothing left at stake
Heartache
In learning to breathe again;
In learning to walk again;
In learning to feel again;
Eyes, brain, lungs, heart
Part by part.
The baseline has changed.
A new you; The new you
Crawled out of delirium.
Establishing now, a new equilibrium
What more can I expect?
Except to accept
and
hope.
Eyes
I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine.
There was something so familiar about that gaze.
It was as if he saw me; and what was inside;
He understood.
His eyes were an open ended sentence without words;
With them he asked me for things that I could do
Nothing more, nothing less.
He met me at where I was.
I remember holding your hand as you struggled.
I tried to tell you it's okay..
You were a fighter, but you held on gently.
Even after it was over.
You were so gentle, though I've seen you tough with others.
Did you know that it was me?
I'll try to remember those eyes.
I wish I could have done more than just hold your hand and give you your dentures.
I wish I could have said something.
Now all I can do is.. to remember you.
You are not an accident
Sunday, January 17, 2016
In my full name, there are 2 surnames- my mother's surname and my father's surname. When I was younger I used to get confused about it, especially when filling up official documents because you can only have one surname. I used to take my mother's surname because I was being taken care of by my mother's family. Later on I was told to use my father's surname because traditionally that is how surnames work.
It was only later that I understood why I had 2 surnames in my name. The main reason is because my parents never married and my mother was my father's mistress. So even though my father's name is in my birth certificate, they made the decision to include both surnames.
As I grew older, I began to become aware of the fact that I am an illegitimate child. It always made things kind of awkward for me when I had to explain it to people who asked about my name.
In the book "The purpose drive life" by Rick Warren, there is a passage from the book that struck me.
While there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children. Many children are unplanned by their parents, but they are not unplanned by God. God's purpose took into account human error, and even sin. God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes. he has a reason for everything he creates. Every plant and every animal was planned by God, and every person was designed with a purpose in mind.
Sometimes it still hard for me to accept the way that I was made and the circumstances that have shaped my life. I think it is hard for many people to accept the way that they have been made. It only makes sense that all that has happened, happened for a reason and purpose. It is the only way that life makes sense to me now. May I never forget that.
You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the one he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
No, the trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are beloved,
Because there is a God!
-Russell Kelfer
Dear Friend
Friday, January 1, 2016
Dear friend,
I saw you again the other day. I knew that you were on that bus even before I boarded. I could always identify you from a distance. I was happy to see you and I said hello. You waved back quietly, you were with your new girl. I wondered what was running through your mind.
Thank you for meeting up with me last year and for letting me say to you what i needed to, for letting me tell you that I really am sorry. I wish I never hurt you the way that I did. I wish that I could undo all of that hurt for you. But I know that no amount of apologies would ever suffice and that there is nothing more that I can do now than to say a little prayer for you whenever you cross my mind. Where my love has failed, I know that God's love will never fail and I pray that you will know the depth of his unfailing love for you and that you may put your hope in him.
eLica
2015
Looking back, sometimes I start to make sense of certain things that did not make sense to me before. Many times I revisit the past and I see how foolish I had been before. I wish I could go back to the past and tell myself not to be so stupid; to tell my younger self to "STOP!" before all that happened, happened.
It is as if I hold this time machine in my hands that lets me replay the events of the past but not change them. Something like the pensieve from harry potter. As I review the events of the past. I feel so awful. I hate so many things that I did. I wish that I had done them differently. I wish that I hadn't been so cheap. I wish that I hadn't hurt so many people. The eyes of my older self is open to all the wrongdoing of my younger self.
I go back to the same place in time again and again and watch everything as it happens and unfolds. Whenever I get into one of these moods, I just feel like disappearing into a black-hole of despair.
Time and time again I am reminded that there is only one way to go.. and that is to the cross, and forward.
I know that if my spirit hadn't been broken, my eyes would have never been open to the message of hope and salvation that the cross brings. Again and again, I am reminded of why I need Jesus so much.
I can say sorry again and again, to all the people that I have hurt. I can also forgive all the people who have hurt me in the past. I can do all of these. But the fact that the damage has been done never changes. There is so much brokenness in this world, that sometimes it is so overwhelming. My apologies and forgiveness would never suffice. I feel so.. inadequate.
In 2015 I revisited the darkest moments of my life, and I see how God never gave up on me and was always with me in his love. I am reminded of how I am so inadequate.. but God is always enough. May I never forget that.
Sweetly broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of it's suffering I do drink
Of it's work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, holly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
Chorus:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
It never ends
Saturday, March 1, 2014
We were younger then, you and me, full of dreams, weren't we?
I went my way, you went yours, where did you go, dear?
Someone said you had left the life we lived together then
This is my way of reaching out 'cause I remember...
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to speak to your heart
You are loved
More than you could ever know
This is what I want to say to you
If I had one chance to tell you something
You are loved
More than you can imagine
Imagine
If I told you would you believe, the narrow road, I did not leave
If I told you would you understand that I've found truth
Are you jaded? Are you hurting now? How I wish that I could tell
Where your heart's at... Can you see? Mine has found- home
Not sure if I've, made it clear enough
It's not my love I sing about
Everyone asks, "Is God good?"
I believe, He is
In fact I know, He is
"You Are Loved" by Rebecca St. James
